Am I ready?

    It seems that every day I am breaking out the scale and weighing the pros and cons of being in a relationship. It is far from being an easy task. Maybe I am a bit jaded due to my past failed attempts or it could be that I am happy with the freedom that comes with being single. It is a daily struggle to pick the side of the fence that I want to be on and why I want to be on this side or that.

    Single: I like this side because it doesn't require anything from me. I can be exactly who I am and not apologize for it or compromise. Any decision I make only affects me and I can make that decision without discussion or consideration. I can spend when I want, eat what I want, sleep when I want, go where I want, live how I want and all without someone giving me grief for it. I can think for myself and believe what I want and never be told that I am full of shit or that I am an asshole. It is also nice  not having to go through the( my experience) inevitable break up. To have my heart spoon fed to me, one bite at a time, as each word of " insert reason here " is explained to me or have to deal with hurting the other as I spoon feed their heart to them, one bite at a time. It is a nice existence to have this level of independence and freedom, not to mention being guilt free!


    Not Single: Ah, yes! I like this side equally as much. I like the dance of romance. Dating, giving flowers, nice dinners, conversations, learning about the person I am seeing. Deep inside, I believe I am a hopeless romantic. I love to see the other person smile because they are made to feel special. It feels great to make someone smile or laugh or feel wanted and cared about. There are days and nights when I wish I had a significant other at my side to hold and share life's experiences with. I see my closest friends and watch them with envy as they share a their lives with one another. This is when I most want to be in a relationship, I think. The holidays are also a tough time for me as I watch families spend time with each other, taking pictures that they will look back on with warm memories and a smile. But lets be honest....relationships have a dark side too. I am sure that we all have experienced a bit of that. Some issues can be resolved with calm discussion and others turn into full blown shouting matches in which some will say regrettable things they do or don't mean and will feel bad the moment those words leave their mouth because they have deeply hurt the person they care most for.


     Love is like nothing else in the world. An amazing emotion that can lift someone higher than one can imagine......but love is also a bitch that can throw one down upon a rocky beach to be pummeled again and again by the waves of hurt, pain and rejection. This is my dilemma.......


     For those of you in relationships, Be good to each other, tell your significant other that you love them. They know it but it may have been a while since they heard you say it.


    For the single crowd, do whatever makes you happy and stay true to yourself. One day someone will come along that likes who and what you are and you will love them for it.....


            Until next time.... 


    
  

 

Lesson Learned...again

    I start of this New Year being receiving  yet another Lesson Learned patch! The problem is that I never seem to learn this lesson and have collected at least  four patches for the same exact reason, pertaining to the same relationship or lack there of. There is much history with this person and I will not get into it as it would make clear who this person is and that would be inappropriate.


    So, why did I earn another patch? Because I thought that it would be different this time. I thought that we had both grown enough to be able to re-discover what was lost and spend the rest of our lives together. 


    It has never been a question of love, at least not for me. I have always loved her and, most likely, I always will. She holds a very special place in my heart. The rest of the world fades away when I look at her, hear her voice and laughter. It is a feeling unmatched by anything I have ever experienced. Sure, I have had other relationships in the periods when we were not talking to each other. None of these ever made me feel the way I felt then or now.


    We last spoke two days ago and I knew that something was a bit different but I wasn't sure what. You would think that after four rides on the same roller coaster I would know all the twists and turns, ups and downs, but love truly is blind isn't it. Since then, I haven't received a phone call, text or any other type of communication. This isn't the first time this has happened and, each time before, it signaled the end. Last night I kept hoping for a call or text wishing me a "Happy New Year" and a "I Love You". It never came and I was once again left asking myself, WHY?


    I am sure that at some point in the future I will get a message or a call but it will be too late. You see, I have already accepted my Lesson Learned Patch, sewn it on my heart, and changed the locks on the door to that part of my life.


    " If it didn't work the first time, there is probably a pretty damn good reason. Learn from it and move on"-- Quote by Mom. Right again!