Forgetting who I am......

    Hello friends and neighbors! I know it has been a while since I last posted anything but if I don't have anything to say then I don't try to make up crap just to stay current. I would rather wait until I have something to say.

    So, here I am, thinking about the last 20 plus years and realizing that I have become a bit of a hermit. I shut myself off from the world and people that I love. Those of you who know me also know my history but there are those of you who don't and in order for this to make sense to the latter I need to share a bit of that history with them. To those in the know, your patience is appreciated.

    Prior to coming to L.A. I lived just north of Philly for a few years after getting out of the military. While there I  began meeting people with similar interests in music , Tara, Bob, Chrissy, Brian, Anne, Monica, Betsy, Brett, Jen,  to name just a few and started going to Philly to see bands and party. For those of you who remember Cinderella( band..not movie) I saw them in clubs and then they got signed. That was when I decided that I wanted to not just watch the music scene...but to become a part of it.

    I came to Los Angeles with $150.00, a suitcase and a dream. I wanted to be involved in the music industry. I rented a room in a really bad hotel on Hollywood Blvd for a week at a cost of $99.00. I figured I would give myself a week to try and find some work and make some connections. I  can't say that I was totally successful but I did make it. I went to The Rainbow, The Roxy, Whiskey a Go Go, Gazzarris ( yup, that long ago ), Troubadour, Cat House, etc, and I made some friends along the way. Some of these people have gone on to become legends and stars in the rock scene and some ended up like me, working a day job. But I wasn't always working a day job and sometimes I miss my old life.

    Back then I was broke much of the time but I believe I was most definitely happier than I am today, even though I have a great job and am not broke( a good argument for money not making a person happy ). Back then I spent every weekend on the strip and most weekdays too, hanging with friends, always meeting new and interesting people and just having good times. I met some great people along the way, Happenin Harry, Joe Sutton, Jamie Bone, Carlos Cavazo, Tony Cavazo, Pat Ashby, Bobbi Rondinelli, Doug Ensbury, Andrea Tutone, Amit and Oren Bustan, Stan Smith,...the list goes on but these are the ones that I have kept in touch with over the years.  I went to Trebas Institute for Recording Arts, worked at Guitar Center in Hollywood, did some tech work for Tokyo Rose, Tony Cavazo while he was in Gang of Thieves and eventually got a gig with Quiet Riot as Carlos Cavazos' guitar tech. The gig didn't pay much but it was definitely good times and I would work for any of the aforementioned musicians again. All were great to work for.

    After touring I guess one could say that I settled down. I got a regular job and made a new group of friends. In the process I left the world of music behind ...but never the music....the music has been and and always will be in my soul. What I call " The After Life" has been good and the friends I have made are all top shelf. Tim and Angela and the girls are like an adopted family and have always been there for me....especially in some of the hardest times....love doesn't do justice for what I feel for them! Also a shout to the rest of that group....love you all!

    I guess what I am trying to say is that over the last 15 years I have kind of lost myself. I have lost what I love and those who I love. I forgot what was important to a healthy life and I have begun the process of reconnecting with those people and places that made me laugh, always put a smile on my face or made me feel at home in their establishment or home. In the process I am sure to meet new people who will become great friends and add more laughter and memories to my life.

    To those of you that have been there this whole time....THANK YOU for always being my friend. To those of you who I have recently reconnected with or have recently met....THANK YOU for adding me to your life and allowing me to be a part of it.

    Now......can we just TURN IT UP!!!!!!!!

 

Am I ready?

    It seems that every day I am breaking out the scale and weighing the pros and cons of being in a relationship. It is far from being an easy task. Maybe I am a bit jaded due to my past failed attempts or it could be that I am happy with the freedom that comes with being single. It is a daily struggle to pick the side of the fence that I want to be on and why I want to be on this side or that.

    Single: I like this side because it doesn't require anything from me. I can be exactly who I am and not apologize for it or compromise. Any decision I make only affects me and I can make that decision without discussion or consideration. I can spend when I want, eat what I want, sleep when I want, go where I want, live how I want and all without someone giving me grief for it. I can think for myself and believe what I want and never be told that I am full of shit or that I am an asshole. It is also nice  not having to go through the( my experience) inevitable break up. To have my heart spoon fed to me, one bite at a time, as each word of " insert reason here " is explained to me or have to deal with hurting the other as I spoon feed their heart to them, one bite at a time. It is a nice existence to have this level of independence and freedom, not to mention being guilt free!


    Not Single: Ah, yes! I like this side equally as much. I like the dance of romance. Dating, giving flowers, nice dinners, conversations, learning about the person I am seeing. Deep inside, I believe I am a hopeless romantic. I love to see the other person smile because they are made to feel special. It feels great to make someone smile or laugh or feel wanted and cared about. There are days and nights when I wish I had a significant other at my side to hold and share life's experiences with. I see my closest friends and watch them with envy as they share a their lives with one another. This is when I most want to be in a relationship, I think. The holidays are also a tough time for me as I watch families spend time with each other, taking pictures that they will look back on with warm memories and a smile. But lets be honest....relationships have a dark side too. I am sure that we all have experienced a bit of that. Some issues can be resolved with calm discussion and others turn into full blown shouting matches in which some will say regrettable things they do or don't mean and will feel bad the moment those words leave their mouth because they have deeply hurt the person they care most for.


     Love is like nothing else in the world. An amazing emotion that can lift someone higher than one can imagine......but love is also a bitch that can throw one down upon a rocky beach to be pummeled again and again by the waves of hurt, pain and rejection. This is my dilemma.......


     For those of you in relationships, Be good to each other, tell your significant other that you love them. They know it but it may have been a while since they heard you say it.


    For the single crowd, do whatever makes you happy and stay true to yourself. One day someone will come along that likes who and what you are and you will love them for it.....


            Until next time.... 


    
  

 

Lesson Learned...again

    I start of this New Year being receiving  yet another Lesson Learned patch! The problem is that I never seem to learn this lesson and have collected at least  four patches for the same exact reason, pertaining to the same relationship or lack there of. There is much history with this person and I will not get into it as it would make clear who this person is and that would be inappropriate.


    So, why did I earn another patch? Because I thought that it would be different this time. I thought that we had both grown enough to be able to re-discover what was lost and spend the rest of our lives together. 


    It has never been a question of love, at least not for me. I have always loved her and, most likely, I always will. She holds a very special place in my heart. The rest of the world fades away when I look at her, hear her voice and laughter. It is a feeling unmatched by anything I have ever experienced. Sure, I have had other relationships in the periods when we were not talking to each other. None of these ever made me feel the way I felt then or now.


    We last spoke two days ago and I knew that something was a bit different but I wasn't sure what. You would think that after four rides on the same roller coaster I would know all the twists and turns, ups and downs, but love truly is blind isn't it. Since then, I haven't received a phone call, text or any other type of communication. This isn't the first time this has happened and, each time before, it signaled the end. Last night I kept hoping for a call or text wishing me a "Happy New Year" and a "I Love You". It never came and I was once again left asking myself, WHY?


    I am sure that at some point in the future I will get a message or a call but it will be too late. You see, I have already accepted my Lesson Learned Patch, sewn it on my heart, and changed the locks on the door to that part of my life.


    " If it didn't work the first time, there is probably a pretty damn good reason. Learn from it and move on"-- Quote by Mom. Right again!